How would you judge your actions over the past 12 months? Did they bring you pleasure or pain? Success or failure? Happy connections or conflict? What was the impact you had on those around you and the wider world?
Yesterday was Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, and although I’m not a practicing Jew, I was struck by an article my mum sent me suggesting a more progressive interpretation of the festival.
The traditional way of seeing Rosh Hashana is that it’s the Day of Judgement, where our actions from the past year are assessed by the Almighty and we either get a gold star or a black mark in the Book of Life. The subsequent 10 days give those who are neither definitively good nor irretrievably wicked a chance to redeem themselves by reflecting on the past year and repenting for their sins.
In its original version, it embodies some of the aspects of organised religion I’m not comfortable with – the sense of guilt, external judgement and imposed dogma – all designed to literally bring the fear of god into you.
What I liked about this alternative reading is that it puts the ownership back on us, suggesting that we can choose to take positive actions because we see for ourselves the impact they make on our lives and those around us, rather than because we fear the wrath of some angry deity.
It reminded me of a great book I read about Buddhist ethics called ‘Not about being good’, which talks about how ethical behaviour should be about us being conscious in our behaviour and interactions, rather than blindly following a set of rules. In this sense, the concept of karma doesn’t have to involve the fear of being re-born as a dung beetle (the Buddhist equivalent of that black mark in the Book of Life) but might instead refer to the consequences of our behaviour in this life – that we can see for ourselves if we are mindful and alert.
How then to put these ideas into practice? I see it as taking two stages…
1) Review the past
The wonderful thing about a new year is that it gives you the opportunity to take stock and look over the past 12 months with a birds-eye view, scanning for key events and milestones. By identifying the times when we either took actions that had positive, or not-so-positive consequences, we can use our reflection either to practice either gratitude or learning and self-compassion. Ask yourself the following about the past year:
What big life decisions did you make that you’re proud of? How have they impacted you and others since?
What choices did you make that you regret? How did they affect you / others / your environment?
What habits did you instil in your daily life that had a positive impact on your wellbeing? How might this have had a wider impact (e.g. through how you then interacted with others, the choices you made?)
What negative habits did you have, and how did they affect your emotions/physical body?
When have you shown kindness or generosity to others? How did it feel in your body?
When did you treat other people or speak about them in a way that you’re not proud of? How did that make you feel?
NOTE: It’s important when reflecting on the actions we aren’t so proud of that we bring in a massive dose of self-compassion – less of the furious, wrathful deity and more kindly teacher. We made the choices we made at the time for a reason, sometimes inadvertently guided by our fears or insecurities, and we should be careful not to beat ourselves up about them.
Instead, reflect on what unmet need we may have had at the time that led us to those actions. Was it a need to be accepted by others? To protect ourselves from something? Was it driven by hurt or anger? Try to give the situation a bit of distance and offer love to that part of yourself that needed it, just like you would to a regretful friend.
The important thing is that we learn from our past experiences, understand the consequences of our behaviour and can use our reflections to make better choices in the future. Also, that we take the time to be grateful for all that we have done that did have a positive impact on ourselves and those around us. It can be so easy to fixate on our regrets, we need to also consciously allow ourselves to honour and reward our positive behaviour, just as we might with a child, to encourage more of it in the future.
2) Be mindful in the moment
After reflecting on the past, we can set an intention to apply a similar level of self-awareness to the present moment, anticipating and noticing the effects of our actions as they happen, and course-correcting along the way if necessary. I’ll give an example to illustrate this.
A year or so ago I was participating in a course at the London Buddhist Centre, and we had homework to practice some of these ideas in our everyday life. One week, I was standing in the coffee queue when a woman angrily pushed in front of me and claimed she’d been there before me. Anger blazed up in me, and I did the London thing of making a passive-aggressive sarcastic comment in response. Then, in my mind, I paused. Suddenly remembering the course and our homework I reflected on the impact of my response, which would surely only escalate the negativity and irritation in the air, and decided to change tact and started asking the woman in a friendly way about her day. She told me about the chain of misdemeanours that had befallen her that morning – husband issues, transport problems, and I then responded by assuring her that the coffee here was really good and that it would definitely make up for it all. We ended on a good note and she even apologised for earlier and offered to buy me a piece of cake! We both then went about our days feeling positive and energised and probably having a more positive impact on those around us too.
In every moment, we have a choice about how we respond. As psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Victor Frankl said:
“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”
When we allow ourselves the space to choose how to respond, we can actually notice how the various options make us feel in our bodies, and then make more skilful decisions – either now or next time. You’ll notice that a negative and reactive response, when you speak badly about others for example, creates a tightening in the body/mind and a heavy feeling, whereas positive choices often give a feeling of uplift and expansiveness.
In this way, we don’t need religious dogma to tell us how to be ethical. We don’t need the Almighty to hand us a gold star or a black mark, or the threat of eternal re-birth. We can feel into our choices, gradually make better ones and move to a more enlightened existence – closer and closer to the divine beings that underneath the fears and insecurities we really all are…
Wishing a very sweet year for all of you – Shana Tova!