Inner peace… a hippy cliché, wildly unattainable in the modern world of Instagram and 24/7 connectedness, or a genuine practical possibility?
Having fairly recently returned from a 10 day silent meditation retreat in the Himalayas (I took this blissed-out selfie on the day I left!), I’m actually inclined to believe the latter, although I admit I’m not quite there yet myself...
Despite the pressures of our society – the perceived need to always be buying bigger and better, the drive to meet other people’s expectations, constant comparison on social networking sites – it IS possible to find solace within.
My teachers on the retreat at the Z Meditation Centre demonstrated how teachings from ancient yogic texts like the Bhagavad Gita, are completely relevant and practical in today’s world. By showing us how to work with our minds, we can create an anchoring of inner calm against the sometimes turbulent conditions of our lives.
One of the teachings that most stuck with me, and which I wanted to share on here, was about the universal laws of peace – which I believe are as relevant and useful now as in ancient times.
1st Law: What is, is.
Think back to the last stress-inducing situation you found yourself in (I bet you don’t have to look back all that far!) What was going through your mind at the time? Was it something like, “this shouldn’t be happening” or “he/she shouldn’t have done/said that” or “I should get out of this stupid job/traffic jam/relationship”?
When we have a mind full of shoulds and should-nots, it’s impossible to be peaceful. It creates a restless, irritable mindset that completely inhibits our ability to see any positives in a particular situation, to experience happiness in the moment.
Actually, when we just recognise and accept that things are exactly as they should be – that nothing is wrong and that it’s simply nature taking its course, we gain access to a sense of peace and spaciousness that allows us to be happy, even in the face of adversity. That isn’t to say that we just sit back and do nothing – this newfound spaciousness can actually help us to navigate the situation with a lot more dexterity, without the constant overlay of negative, resistant thoughts and judgement.*
2nd Law: Acceptance is peace
3rd Law: Non-acceptance/resistance is painful
When we resist a situation – especially the actions of other people – this creates a huge amount of personal suffering. We’ve all been there, right? Secretly (or not so secretly) resenting the behaviour of a boss, family member or partner and getting into so much inner turmoil about it – sleepless nights replaying conversations or imagining future confrontations – that we are eaten-up inside. There’s a saying about resentment and bitterness towards others that it’s like drinking a vial of poison and expecting the other person to die – we’re the main one to suffer. This links to the fourth law which is:
4th Law: Pain is what you get when you interfere in other people’s business
There’s another saying that “if you’re always minding other people’s business, your own will go bankrupt”.
Actually, we really can’t change other people (this was one of the messages that most hit home for me on the retreat), so when we’re stuck in this kind of fixation, we are committing ourselves to a lifetime of misery. The best thing we can do when we feel triggered by the actions of others and thinking “they should change” is to turn the mirror back on ourselves. What can we do to make the situation more conducive to our own inner peace? How can we change for the better?
Very often if we stop ourselves in the moment of blaming another person and replace their name with our own, we find that we aren’t beyond the same criticisms. So if, say, you’re thinking “they should be more mindful” or “they should be kinder”… could you be more mindful? Are there any ways you could be a little kinder right now?
When we learn to accept others, and that everyone is at their own stage of personal development, which can only be progressed by their own will – not ours, we find a sense of calm and a regained feeling of control. We stop blaming others and recognise that we, and only we, are responsible for our own happiness. We can’t control others but we can control our mind and how we react to circumstances.
5th Law: Pain is what you get when you believe you’re incomplete
One of the big messages on the retreat was about all the ways we persuade ourselves that we just need X to be happy, with X being anything from a perfect relationship to the right job to simply a new pair of jeans. When we live in the grips of these “X Factors” (as they called it – not sure if they know of Simon Cowell!) we subconsciously tell ourselves that we cannot feel fulfilled right now, that we are some way incomplete without this person/object/situation. We end up living in constant chasing mode – always hunting the next thing that’s going to make us feel fulfilled. These X Factors can even include supposedly “spiritual” things like being enlightened or reaching a certain level in yoga. I’m definitely guilty when it comes to this. So often I’ve thought, “if everybody I knew meditated, then we wouldn’t have any problems” – just another form of X Factor, another future situation to cling to that stops me being fully peaceful in the present.
6th Law: Pain is what you get when you try to change the past or wish for something to happen in the future
Isn’t it one of the most senseless, wasteful ways we can use our minds to spend our time wishing the past had been different? Unless we can invent a time machine, it’s a completely pointless activity and the cause of SO much anguish. And yet, we so often get caught in this kind of thinking - “I shouldn’t have said that” or “I should have taken that opportunity” or even beating yourself up because you forgot to buy toilet paper when you went to the supermarket!
As well as replaying the past in our mind, we have a habit of trying to imagine future scenarios how we want them to be or fearing things that might happen. Despite, as I mentioned in an earlier post, our ability to predict the future being usually wildly inaccurate.
If we want to be peaceful in our minds, we have to let go of all of this thinking and learn to be in the moment, accepting that the past is history and that the future is a mystery!
7th Law: Pain is what you get when you live for the opinion of others
One of my biggest ‘X Factors’, I discovered, is social appreciation – this subconscious belief that I need other people to approve of me, to like me, in order to be complete. When I feel people don’t like me or when I’m criticised, I subconsciously feel incomplete – it knocks my sense of self-confidence and self-love.
I was relieved to hear this is a really common one, but it’s also really deeply ingrained and difficult to let go of. Imagine if you could go through life without this belief though! Imagine how you’d feel, how different life would look, if you truly believed you were fully complete and that nobody’s opinion of you mattered! The key to this is to recognise that other people’s critical thinking and judgements are their own problems – not mine. That this is something they have to work on, while I meanwhile work on my own judging mind. To me, this feels like one of the most powerful routes to inner peace and a true sense of equanimity.
How is this all resonating with you? I’d love to hear your thoughts on what peace means to you and the methods you’ve found effective in gaining a peaceful mind.
* I recognise that when we talk about acceptance – of “difficult” people or situations – it can be quite controversial and bring up concerns that we’re being asked to just sit back and take it. Surely we shouldn’t accept global issues like climate change, persecution and corrruption? If someone is being abusive, surely we don’t just take their behaviour on the chin and accept them for it? Well, no of course not. But if we can respond from a calm and open mind (think of Gandhi’s response to the British occupation of India) we can be more effective in making change – doing it “from” peace not “for” peace. If inner peace remains our top priority, solutions and positive outcomes tend to flow from there.