Following my last blog about embracing failure, I was moved to write a few words about success - and how this too has been misinterpreted in our culture, in a way that really doesn't serve us and our happiness.
I write these words from a fancy 5 star hotel in Rajasthan that I’m currently living in with my boyfriend (his work is paying for it!), which is a very new experience for me. I’m more used to crumbling guest houses with damp in the walls, or maybe a “shabby chic” beach hut if I’m lucky (in Thailand we managed to land a DREAM beach house but it did also have walls full of termites and cockroaches!)
Being in this shiny, perfumed paradise, with a massive bed like a cloud and every need catered for is, of course, lovely but the novelty is wearing off. Those little plastic toiletry bottles I was so excited about at the start (free mouthwash!!!) now seem disgustingly wasteful. And the constant chorus of “welcome madam”, “is everything okay, madam?”, “can I get you anything, madam?” is starting to feel really quite uncomfortable with, as a Brit in India, quite icky colonial overtones.
Earlier this week, Ollie and I were sitting by the pool when a long chain of Indian schoolchildren in blazers and pulled-up socks suddenly appeared! A school trip to a Marriott hotel?! Looking understandably bored, these 100 or so kids were paraded around the pool by their teachers, taking in the bland opulence and the chain hotel’s version of luxury. What were they supposed to be learning, I wondered? Was this some way of nudging their aspirations and showing them that if they study really hard, they could, one day, stay in a place like this?
It made me feel a bit sick – such a blatant example of how we are schooled from an early age in this very narrow view of success. I saw it too in the aspirations of students I worked with at UCL and Kings. So often when I asked what they were looking for from a career, their answer was (to paraphrase) a big fat pay-check. Not their fault, but a result of societal conditioning – their school influence, the media, and maybe parents wanting the best for them but without a clear understanding of what truly brings happiness and a real feeling of success.
Research has shown that a high salary (after a certain point) has a negligible impact on happiness. Certainly my own (very non-scientific) observation in this 5 star hotel is that it doesn’t SEEM to be over-brimming with joy. My fellow guests look quite grumpy, and there’s such a sterile vibe-less feel to the place. But like I said, that’s just my own impressions, and probably filtered by the fact that I’m not exactly having the time of my life here.
So how to define true success so we know what we should actually be aspiring for? It’s obviously a very subjective thing, but here’s my two-pennies worth.
I believe that real success is…
· Driven by intrinsic motivations: So, rather than looking for external reward or compensation (e.g. other people’s opinions, a financial bonus, celebrity status…), our actions are motivated by reasons that are internal to us such as personal growth, enjoyment, and learning. When we are intrinsically motivated, life feels more meaningful and so we’re much more likely to feel successful (there’s even evidence that intrinsically-motivated people are more successful even by external measurements like productivity and their chances of getting a promotion!)
· Aligned with our values – this very much links to the point above in that in order to feel successful, our daily life needs to be aligned with our core values. These will be very different from one person to the next, which is why being extrinsically motivated – following other people’s or an organisation’s reward system – has limited impact on our happiness. Once we are clear on what our top 5-10 values are, we can direct our lives towards finding the ultimate expression of those values. So, for me, three of my top values are community, wellbeing and freedom – which is probably why I’m not feeling super successful right now trapped in a posh hotel alone all day while my partner’s at work! For me to have successfully aligned my life and my values, I’d probably be living in a hippie commune somewhere running retreats and being surrounded by creative, radical thinkers… which might be very different from someone else’s view of success!
· Being okay with what is - this one might seem a bit at odds with the very idea of success as something to strive for. And yet, it’s very hard to feel true success if we’re constantly chasing the next achievement, which is, in some ways, what we’re hard-wired to do. We get one promotion and almost immediately our focus shifts to the next one. Or we think that we’ll feel successful once we’ve bought a house, but after the bubbly’s been drunk, we shift our gaze to the renovations that have to be done or the furniture that needs to be bought – only then will we be content. Maybe. Actually, it’s often only when we sit back and acknowledge where we actually are and practice gratitude for all that we have and have achieved, that we feel that sense of true success and fulfilment, deep in our bones. The best way to view success is that we already have it. That we’re already perfect as we are and that everything is perfect just as it is – even in its imperfection. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t/can’t grow and achieve and move towards a more fulfilled life, but ironically the best way to really feel that happiness is by fully embracing what is here in our present experience, right now. (TOLD you I should be living in a hippie commune!)
So how can you achieve success that feels meaningful to you? Here are a few suggestions...
1) Work out which of your goals are intrinsically motivated, and which are extrinsic – i.e. based on other’s measures of success. Make a list with two separate columns, and then for everything that is based on extrinsic measures of success, really ask yourself - is there a more personal reason for doing it i.e. something genuinely meaningful to you? If not, stop it now and shift focus!
2) As described above, become more familiar with your core values. A list like this might help, or by asking yourself the question "what really matters to me?" and then "why does that matter?". Then, when you have your list of top values, see if you can visualise... what might life look like if I was to achieve the ultimate expression of these values?
3) And finally, notice where you already feel success and fulfilment in your life – even if it’s only tiny things - mini achievements and areas of your life where you have managed to align it fully with your core values - and really let that sink in (read what I've written here about taking in the good).
And above all, remember that if you can't enjoy the journey, you're really very unlikely be able to enjoy the destination.
I recognise that this is all very much my own personal opinion, so I’d be really keen to hear from you. What’s your view on success? What does it mean to you and how do you know when you’ve achieved it?